Who Do I Want To Be When I Love
The questions we ask ourselves can change the entire landscape and shift the focus from something is happening to us to an expression of who we are. Many of us spend our lives trying to find the right person yet relationships often reveal a more important question which I spoke about in one of my previous articles. The question is, can I remain myself while loving another person? Losing a relationship is painful but, losing oneself inside a relationship is devastating.
As children we learn to adapt to rules set out by our caregivers, communities and society to remain accepted. As a partner we adapt to expectations to keep the peace and connection. Adapting works as it helps to preserve connection, until…the day arrives when it becomes difficult to distinguish adaption from who we are.
The question is no longer who I am looking for but rather who I become when I am in a relationship, and that is the difference between love and self-abandonment. Many people mistake self-abandonment for love. It is framed as sacrifice, compromise, understanding and even loyalty, yet – true love should never require the disappearance of Self.
The healthiest relationships do not require us to become less of ourselves to keep connection. The beauty about a relationship is that it reveals us to ourselves. Relationships show us where we shrink, perform, accommodate, betray our truth and moments in which we lose our voice. The flip side is also true, relationships show us where we flourish, feel free, feel seen, heard and feel safe. Relationships are not only the places we find love, but they are also the place of self-discovery and uncovery.
True love is not how much of myself can I give away, but rather can I stay connected without leaving myself. One should not have to earn their place in a relationship as this should be a place where one can exhale and feel free, relaxed and at ease.
Early love asks do you choose me, but mature love asks can I choose myself while loving you. Can I belong to myself enough that I don’t lose myself to belong to someone else.
For much of my life, I thought the challenge of love was finding the right person. Later in life, I thought the challenge was keeping the relationship, and today I sit here and wonder if the deeper challenge is something else entirely. Can I remain true to myself while loving another person. Can I stay connected without leaving myself? Can I honor my truth while remaining open to yours? Can I love without performing, adapting or shrinking?
Perhaps mature love is not about finding someone who completes us but rather it is about finding someone in whose presence we are free to become more fully ourselves. Perhaps the most important question is not will this person love me, but rather, who do I become when I love?
