From Matching To Mattering
After stepping back into the world of online dating, I found myself asking a question I wasn’t expecting – Not whether we matched but whether I mattered.
Modern day dating platforms are designed around matching. They match on variables such as logistics, interests, hobbies, education, age, politics, religion and provide space for images that are aimed at enticing attraction. In essence, the higher the match across variables the higher the chances of connection. But here is the kicker, many couples who look perfect on paper discover that compatibility runs deeper than shared interests and demographics. That is because matching and mattering are not the same thing.
In many ways one can match based on values, life stage, business, intelligence and potentially shared goals, but over time something is missing and that is not always related to matching but rather to compatibility and reciprocity.
People can match on everything and still not make each other feel seen, so instead of asking do we match, we should flip the script and ask the question – Do I matter here? Matching asks the question; do we have things in common? – Mattering asks do I feel significant in your life? Matching asks; do we enjoy the same activities – mattering asks do you care about my experience? Matching asks; do we fit together – mattering asks can I be fully myself here? Matching asks; do we look compatible – mattering asks do I feel seen?
The dating questions need to change from is the person successful, attractive or interesting and move towards, is this person interested in me, do they listen, remember, follow-up, or make room for me in the relationship.
Lots of people ask questions, fewer people listen and even fewer remain curious once the spotlight moves away from them.
Curiosity is not just about the beginning euphoric phase because everyone is curious in the beginning, the question is do they remain curious and is there a willingness to discover the other person as the relationship develops.
There is a difference between being chosen and being known. Being chosen without being known is fragile and lacks depth. Being known and still chosen creates safety and connection. The goal is not finding someone that is going to blow your hair back. But rather someone who remains interesting and curious after three conversations.
It is true that a relationship cannot make you whole, but it can either support your wholeness or slowly erode it.
Many people enter relationships asking is this the right person and very few ask how do I feel when I am with this person and even fewer ask, who do I become when I am with this person?
What dating has taught me is that the most important question is no longer whether we match.
I have spent enough years knowing that shared interests, chemistry and compatibility only tell part of the story. Today I find myself paying attention to different things. Do I feel seen? Do I feel heard? Does this person remain curious about me beyond the first few conversations? Do I feel free to be fully myself?
Relationships are built in the small moments. In the moments of remembering, listening, asking follow-up questions, having a genuine interest and the willingness to keep discovering one another.
Matching may bring two people together, but mattering allows them to stay connected; and perhaps that is the question I am learning to ask: Not do we match but do I matter here?
